Into to my Mother

Hi guys, I know I haven't been blogging much and have already failed my goal of blogging at least once a week. I was having such great progress. I've offically lost 10 pounds, I say offically because weight loss means you KEEP it lost, not just los it. I always wait a week and if i'm still the same weight then its offcal. whne i get closer to my goal weight of 110 or lower this may become an immpossible task but something to strive for now.

So to add more pressure, in addition to my guilt and the my untamed hunger, my mother decided to go on an eating beinge. when I say beinge I mean beinge. Brownies, choclates, three large meals a day, multiple snacks and worst of all, she doesn't do it alone. I feel guilty every day for throwing something away because I know if I'm ever to obtain my goal, i will never be able to eat it agian. I feel guilty because I'm throwing away food. All i can ever think is, O my God, I'm throughing away tons of food a year to be skinny and starve while children in africa are being FORCED to starve.

My mother is like my guilt times 20. She reminds me of a vwhale. She eats everything! she needs to eat choclate and drink every night but cares if its sugar or splenda! I don't understand. not only is she a whale but a Vulture. She observes everything i eat and watches everything i do. One day i would like to don't eat and have no one give a damn!

I've been tring my best to eat less but when someone monitors every bite you eat, its hard to avoid. So once i;ve eaten something, my untrained stomach goes "wait, so we're on a binge again? Ok so lets eat!" maybe if i get sick enough she will let me be but the hole my stomach hirts thing doesn't work. She already knows I'm bulimic but refuses to do anythintg (thank god)

I'll just have to figure soemthing out.

Ouch, that kinda hurt

So i just purged me heart out, literally. Its still sittin on the floor, flopping about like a fish running of air. I find its been getting harder, since I've started eating much less. even when I binge, its still really hard and usually painful, too all those who have thought starting purging should avoid it at all costs!!!! i would stop but i;m sure that would be harder then keep going. I know that sounds like a pathetic excuse but its true. It really apart of my lifestyle at this point. I starve (or attempt to) i eat, I feel guilty, purge, and than am more motavated to fast for longer or harder to make up and the cycle repeats. I just hope one day i could find a way to have less of a dramatic cycle....

So, ya this is semi-depressing. I have recently discovered this amazing world of blogging and really became inspired by the mass of people that feel similar to me. I really is amazing. I was ana inspired by a girl named indigo.

I went of a 2 day fast. I felt great, bot even ravished or anything. I was doing so well, dropped 4 pounds too, but then my parents dragged me out to eat. for the first time i relized i was actually hungry and i ate a HUGE amount of food. I was very distubing. Although a few months ago it would have been an ordinary meal, it about killed me this time. My stomach hurt, and i felt so sick i couldn't even bring up enough energy to purge ( which is not a hard thing for me to do anymore). In a way this makes me happy and very sad at the same time

I'm sad that i couldn't CONTROL myself, and that i wasn't strong enough to just stop> but part of me is happy becuase A) i made my first fast something worth wild and B) my stomcah hurt, so inturn it must a shrank (that is possible correct???) but soon i'm certain i can complete a fast without going on a binge.

Hint great tip I've read:
anti-purge- chew food and spit out, don't swallow. taste buds still have the craving, your stomach doesn't

hello,to anyone out there

Hey so this is me. My name is Jane. This blog is dedicated to all who want to be here, especailly the damaged goods like me. I am a bulimic since Nov. 2008 and suicidal since 2005-2006 (there isn't quite an exact date.) I think this will help anyone who will listen or if you've ever felt the same way. this is a pro-ana/mia site and hate will not be welcomed here.